"Mr. Vice President. Mr. Speaker. Members of Congress. My Fellow Americans.

OK, I banged her. I banged her like the cheap whore she was. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention? The only babes in DC I HAVEN'T tried to bag are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary....because I do? If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd still be married to the President of the United States.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid the FBI files, knew about Vince Foster, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, wasn't sorry to see McDougal die of an apparent heart attack, and grabbed every ass that came near the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there wasn't a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choices were George Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House, and Ross Perot, a little squirt good only for making pie-charts and talking in circles. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with worse Alzheimer's than he came in with.

Then there was Carter before him who brought you 14% inflation and a 17% prime interest rate, but smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Before him, Nixon coined, but never reallyunderstood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to Leavenworth for his crackerjack style of governing.

It goes without saying that Lyndon Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contributions to American society was Agent Orange and "the smell of napalm in the morning." And Kennedy, who was just a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot his proclivity for "beaver-wrestling," which was shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point? Since I have been playing first saxophone here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for one of the first times since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn Monroe, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as the night-watchman at the Watergate Building. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of cocaine, and anyone with a degree from even a junior college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my Willie showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter (unless, of course, she's a hottie with big hair and thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it). In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.

God bless the United States and thank God for easy women.