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Jokes and other funnies (latest first)
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So, the owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy
leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over
there by the wall?"
The clerk says "Well, he came in here this morning
to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave
him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says "You idiot! You can't treat a cough
with a bottle of laxatives!"
And the clerk goes "Of course you can! Look at him;
he's afraid to cough!"
Contributed by Jeff
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Michael the Dragon Master was an official
in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this
would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to
his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said,
"I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay
bribes". Michael the Dragon Master Readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of
itching lotion and poured a little of it into the queens brassiere while
she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and
grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told
the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure
this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be
found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon
Master. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching
lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four
hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied,
he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However,
with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and
shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive
dose of the same itching lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon
Master.....
Moral of the story: Pay your bills.
Contributed by Shannon
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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling
around when she hollers out.
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't
nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is,
now git out there and fix it."
So Pa moseys out to the outhouse,
looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head
in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to
fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take
your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out
of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's,
don't it ?!"
Contributed by R C
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A Scottish old timer is in a bar, talking to a young
man.
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do
ya see that fence? Look how
well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two
hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-
Builder? Nooo..."
Then, the old man gestures at the bar. "Look
here at the bar. Do ya
see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own
achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.
But, do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder?
Nooo..."
Then, the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to
sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can
see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board
by board.
But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder?
Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, making
certain that no one
is paying attention.
"But ya fuck one goat..."
Contributed by Timmy
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office
wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says,
"Well...I can clearly see your nuts."
Contributed by Shannon
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A
guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job.
The
interviewer asks him "Are you a veteran?"
The
guy says "Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Viet Nam."
"Good,"
says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any
service related disabilities?"
The
guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an explosion
removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect
my ability to work, though."
"Sorry
to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you
right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and
we'll get you started."
The
guy says, "If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me
to come at 10:00?"
"Well,
here at the post office we don't do anything but sit around and scratch
our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"
Contributed
by Roger C
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"I voted Republican this year. The
Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth."
*Monica Lewinsky
Contributed by JJB
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Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was
drying off when he looked in the mirror and saw a white band just above
his eyes to the top of his head. Fearing he was turning white, he called
his doctor and told him of his problem. The doctor advised him that he
needed to come to his office immediately.
Upon examination, the doctor mixed a
concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink. Jesse
did and replied that it tasted like crap to which the doctor replied,
"It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."
Contributed by Granny
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Texas version of "Survivor"
Contestants must travel from
Amarillo through Ft. Worth, Dallas, Houston, San
Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock...driving
a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm for Gore, I'm
Gay and I'm Here to Take Your Guns." The first to complete the round
trip is the winner.
Contributed by JOYART
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This young guy takes his blind date
to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the
Ferris wheel. After the ride, she seemed bored.
"What would you like to do
next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed,"
she said. So the young man took her to the weight
guesser. "One twelve," said the man at the scale, and he
was absolutely correct.
Next the rode the roller coaster.
After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton
candy, then he asked her what else she wanted to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said
again.
I really latched onto a winner
tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse
that he had developed a headache, he took the girl
home.
The girl's mother was surprised to
see her home so early, and asked, "What's
wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," replied the girl.
Contributed by Granny
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Two rednecks were going back to school.
The teacher tells one of them he needs spelling math and logic as his
course of study.
The redneck says what the hell is logic?
The teacher says I will show you...
Then the teacher asks "Do you have a weedeater?
The redneck says "yes"
The teacher says then using logic, I can assume you have a yard correct?
The redneck says yes I do.
The teacher says then using logic, I can assume that you have a yard you
must have a home correct?
The redneck says "yes wow I will like this class."
The teacher says well with logic, I can assume that if you got a yard you
got a home.
The redneck says " y "Yes, I have a home too.
The teacher says" then logic tells me you must have a wife then"
correct?
The redneck says "yes I do' Mary Beth is her name.
The teacher says" then with logic, I can assume that if you have a
weedeater and a yard and a home and a wife that you are heterosexual.....
The redneck is just amazed "wow I will do good in your class.
He is leaving the school and runs into his buddy.
Telling him he must take spelling math and logic.
His friend says" what the hell Is logic?
He says" I will show you.... You got a weedeater right?
His buddy says " no I don't"
The redneck scratches his head and says
"YOUR A QUEER AREN'T
YOU>>>>>>>
Contributed by Little Debbie
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A woman enrolled in nursing school was
attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary
muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the
students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does
when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at
home, taking care of the kids."
Contributed by Andy D
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An
escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of
his life sentence in prison. While
on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple that had been
sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the
room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room.
He got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he might have
been kissing her neck. Suddenly
he got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made
his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty
young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown.
He
whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him
kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with
any-thing he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with
it and pretend you like it. Whatever
you do don't fight him or make him mad.
Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear",
the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that
way. You're right; he hasn't seen a woman in years.
He wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear.
He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the
Vaseline in the bathroom."
Contributed
by Jorge F
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A man goes to his doctor and complains that
his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series
of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.
"Have you been in the Far East
recently, within the last year or so?"
"Why, yes," replied the man.
"And did you have sex while over
there?"
The man looked worried. "Well, yes,
once or twice."
The doctor`s face got a grave expression
on it. "That`s what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that`s
just starting to spread in this country. It`s called `Hong Kong
Dong.`" The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a
cure?"
"Well, sort of. You see, there is
no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation." "An
operation? What kind of operation?" "We cut off your
penis." "Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?" The
doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature
as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"
The man consulted a urologist who told
him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended
treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to
recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested
that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there,
as the Asian doctors might know more about it.
Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on
an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with
that Crown Colony`s most eminent physician. After a series of tests, he
awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.
"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?"
he inquired, unable to wait.
"Yes."
"And is it really incurable?"
"Yes, there is no known cure."
The man`s face crumpled as he fought
back tears. "And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to
cut off my penis?" At that the man was astonished to see the doctor
break into laughter. "What`s so funny, Doc?
You mean I don`t have to have
surgery?" As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to
choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery,
surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"
"I don`t have to have my penis cut
off?" The man was overjoyed.
"Of course not! Just wait a couple
more weeks, and it`ll fall off by itself!"
Contributed by Roger C
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A
man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together.
They
get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he
notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds
of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones
on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The
man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention
this to her.
After
a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man
rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman
says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
Contributed by Roger C
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There was an 80-year-old virgin who suddenly got an
itch in her crotch. She went to the doctor who checked her out and told
her she had crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she
was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a
second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So
she went to a third doctor and said, "Please help me. This itch is
killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!"
The doctor checked her out and said, "I have
good news and bad news. The good news is that you don't have crabs. The
bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."
Contributed by SychoMel
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A guy walks into a supermarket and buys: 1
bar of soap, 1 toothbrush, 1 tube toothpaste, 1 loaf of bread, 1 pint of
milk, 1 single serving cereal and 1 single serving frozen dinner.
The girl at the checkout looks at him
and says........."Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically
"Wow, you must be some kind of genius.
How did you guess?"
She replies,
"Because you're fucking ugly."
Contributed by Peggy
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A
refined lady owned a parrot with an over-developed libido. Everyday he
would sneak next door and fuck the neighbor's chickens.
One
day, the lady caught him in the act and warned him, “If I catch you
doing that again, I'm going to yank out every feather on your head!”
However,
the parrot couldn't resist and the next day was back in the neighbor's
yard fucking a chicken. The lady, suspecting he would, caught him at it
and sure enough, she plucked every feather from the top of his head.
The
next evening, the lady was having a formal dinner party. She instructed
the parrot to sit on the piano and call out to guests entering the dining
room, “Ladies on the left; gents on the right.”
So,
there he sat, still pouting about his de-feathered dignity, repeatedly
calling out to guests, “Ladies on the left, gents on the right.”
“Ladies on the left, gents on the right.”
After
about an hour of this routine, a bald-headed man and his wife walked into
the room. The parrot immediately squawked, “Ladies on the left; and you,
you bald-headed chicken fucker, you get up here on the piano with me!”
Contributed by RCurry
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A missionary padre who has taught natives things to
be self-sufficient realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives
was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the
forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a
tree."
The chief looks at the tree and says,
"Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They
walk a little farther, and the padre points to a rock and says, "This
is a rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about
the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the
top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly says,
"Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out
his blow gun, and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief
that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to
each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "MY bike."
Contributed by PegAGif
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The boy takes his girlfriend back to her
home after being out together. When they reach the front door he leans
with one hand on the wall and says to her:
"Sweetie, why don't you give me a
blowjob."
"What? You're crazy ???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no
problem."
"No!! Someone might see us; a
relative, a neighbor...anybody."
"At this time of the night no one
will show up."
"I've already said no, and no means
NO!"
"Honey, just a small one... I know
you like it too.."
"NO !!! I've said NO !!!"
"Darling, don't be like that."
At this point, her younger sister shows
up at the door in her nightgown with her hair in complete disorder,
rubbing her eyes and she says, "Dad says you are to blow him, or I
gotta blow him, or Dad will come down and blow him himself, but for God's
sakes, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
Contributed by PirateJohn
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Two Irish ditch diggers were repairing some
roadside damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when
they witnessed a Methodist Reverend lurking about and then ducking into
the house.
"Would ye look at that,
Darby!" said Paddy. "What a shameful disgrace, those Methodist
Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"
They both shook their heads in disgust
and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi
looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was
satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did ye see that, Paddy?",
Darby asked in shock and disbelief.
"Is nothing holy to those Jewish
people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A
man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I
tell ya!"
A little while later they saw a third
man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if
any one was watching, and then quietly sneaking in the door.
"Oh no, Darby, look!" said
Paddy, removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died."
Contributed by PenguinSLC
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The Top 12 Things on Charlie Brown's To-Do List
12> Bite into Peppermint Patty and get the
sensation.
11> Cash the Met Life policy and jet off to
Juarez with the little red-haired girl to see if "collar and
cuffs" match.
10> Speak to my shrink about that jazz piano
music that follows me around everywhere.
9> Get Peppermint Patty that Indigo Girls
album she's been asking for.
8> Begin rap career as Snoop Master C.
7> Two words: new shirt
6> After bottling it up for almost 50 years,
go to a local mall and just curse wildly at children for a few hours.
5> Get barber school tuition from Dad. Blow it
on booze and hookers.
4> Tell the dog that if he can pilot a plane,
he can get his own damn dinner.
3> Begin auditioning actresses for "It's
Your First Threesome, Charlie Brown."
2> With Schultz finally out of the picture,
stick that football where only Lucy's proctologist can find it.
and Number 1 Thing on Charlie Brown's To-Do
List...
1> Get Prozac, get Rogaine, get Viagra, and
get busy with the little red-haired girl.
Contributed by PenguinSLC
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What should be the official name for
Bill & Hillary Clinton's New York abode? There
were lots of possibilities, according to the creative audience
of The Jayne Carroll Show, a political talk radio program which airs
daily in the Portland, Oregon, metropolitan area.
On Friday, September 10th, Carroll
asked her audience to come up with an official name
for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New York. Carroll's
call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste,
original and should capture the essence of one or both of the Clintons.
The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the Clinton's
new home included:
Perjurers' Palace
HillBilly Villa
The House of Bill's Repute
Drawers Downs
Cheatem Estates
Sin Simeon
The Knee Pad
The White Trash House
The Blight House
The Panderosa Liars' Lair
Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast
The Clinton Compost
Dogpatch on the Hudson
The Hen House
The Out House
The Love Shack
The House of Seven Felonies
Motel Sex
But the clear, hands-down winner was...DISGRACELAND
Contributed by PenguinSLC
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A guy with a black eye boards his
plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his
seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye,
too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black
eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy
says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue
twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter
and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world
was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,'
I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....
so she socked me a good one." The first guy
replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a
tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to
say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally
said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed,
bitch.'"
Contributed by Jean Brierre
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"Sex Certificate"
Did you hear about the fellow that
was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't
know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything,
and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm
stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an
idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she
can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll
probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did. The next day
his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"Did she like it?" his buddy
asked.
"Oh yes! she jumped up,
thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out
the door, yelling: "I'll be back in an hour!"
Contributed by Jorge Flores
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There was a bear and a rabbit.
Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like
each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the
woods they came across a golden frog.
The frog turned to them and said:
"Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts."
They were amazed that the frog had
talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind
you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have
three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that
all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One
appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr.. Bear was amazed
at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that
all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the
frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a
motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed
on board and started revving the engine. Mr.
Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two
wishes that he could have had for
himself
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made
his final wish, that all the other bears in the
world were females as well, leaving him as the only male
bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been
done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his
last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine,
thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr.
Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
Contributed by Granny
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There was this little boy about 12 years old walking
down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He
comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks
on the door. When the madam came to answer it, she saw the little boy and
asked what he wanted.
He said he wanted to have sex with one of the
women inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the
girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of
course the madam said no. But he said he'd heard that all the men
were
talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love
with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little boy was so
adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs
and go to the first room on the right.
So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed
frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the
frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam
stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the
place with
a disease, instead of one of the others.
He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight
when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving
me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to have sex with
my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then
she will get the disease that I just caught. When mom and dad get back,
dad will take the baby-sitter
home, and on the way, he'll jump the babysitter's bones, and he'll catch
the disease.
Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he
and mum will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it. In the
morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and
he'll have a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the BASTARD
who ran over my FROG!!
Contributed by Tim Baird
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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to
going into the delivery room is asked by the doctor if she would like her
husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a
husband," she replies. "O.K., do you have a boyfriend?" asks the doctor.
"No - no boyfriend either. I'm unattached and I'll be having my baby on my
own."
After the birth the doctor says to the young
woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you
see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl,
"I was very down on my luck a year or so back, with
no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a porno movie, and the leading man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the doctor,
"that's really none of my business but I
must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well,
yes," the girl again replies, "You see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also
involved in the movie - what else could I
do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the doctor repeats,
"and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes." "Well
yes," continues the girl, "I was
incredibly hard up and there was also a little Chinese man in the
movie - I really had no choice."
At this the doctor proceeds to give baby a slap
on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well,
thank God for that!" "What do you
mean?" says the doctor, shocked. "Well," says the girl
extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it
was going to bark!"
Contributed by Tim Baird
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WHY IS E-MAIL LIKE A PENIS?
-----------------------------
Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.
Those who have it somehow believe those who don't are inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat but doubt it's worth all
the fuss that those who have it make about it.
Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon
psychologists call E-Male Envy.
It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any work done.
In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to
the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing
it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
We attach an importance to it far greater than its size and influence
warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of
trouble.
If you play with it too much, you go blind.
Contributed by MJD
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A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife in bed. He
tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to give her an orgasm. He
finally went to his best friend and asked for advice.
His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100%
successful. He says, "Hire a big strong black man to stand near your
bed and waving a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex.
This way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm."
The guy hired the strong man, hopped into bed, and while the huge black
guy waved the towel, he made hot monkey love to his wife -- but all
efforts were in vain. No orgasm.
He went back to his friend and told him what happened. His friend
suggested that the husband and the big guy switch places with his wife.
"Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in
bed," says the friend. The husband agreed and said that he would do
anything to satisfy his wife.
The husband hires the same guy again and this time they trade places. The
strong guy makes wild, hot monkey love to the man's wife. The husband
stands and waves the towel.
Naturally, the wife has a divine orgasm.
The husband leans over to the black guy and says proudly, "You see!!
That's how you wave the damned towel."
Contributed by MJD
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A redneck, a sheep, and a dog
were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found
themselves stranded on a desert island. After being
there a while, they got into the habit of going to
the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect
night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started
looking better and better to the redneck.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely
until the redneck took his arm from around the
sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy
the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was
another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful
young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck
had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they
rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to
health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced
her to their evening beach ritual. It was another
beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm
and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those
feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally
gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously,
and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
Contributed by Tim Baird
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It's Robin's first time at the
gynecologist. She's up in the stirrups, and she's scared to death.
The gynecologist says, "You're nervous, aren't
you?"
She says, "Yes. It's my first time at the
gynecologist."
He says, "Would you like me to numb you down
there?"
She says, "Please."
He sticks his nose between her legs and goes, "Num,
num, num..."
Contributed by Tim Baird |
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Three guys are drinking in a bar
when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the
middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and
the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the
same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk
goes back to his seat at the other end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he stumbles back over and sputters in
the guy's face, "Your mom LOVED it!"
Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad,...
you're drunk!"
Contributed by Memphis Annie |
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There was a loser who couldn't
get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy
how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a
lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said no, he told her that it was probably
a good thing because he had a case early in the
morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! You are a lawyer?"
He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his
place and when they were in bed, screwing, he
started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes,
and I'm already screwing someone!"
Contributed by Jorge Flores |
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One day as I came home early from
work .....
I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing
that?
He said ....Because you came home early.
Contributed by MAGNEE |
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In a recent study, the government
administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal
number of doctors and lawyers.
While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual
prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
Researchers are at a loss to explain.
Contributed by Andy D |
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A blonde goes into a telegram center to send a
message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She
exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a
message to my mother in Poland!!!"
"Anything??"
The blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
"Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the
door."
She does. He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she takes it
out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well,
go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, holds it close to her lips, takes a
deep breath and says,
"Hello...Mom?"
Contributed by Gypsyrosed |
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A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got
this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh".
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh! That would be thoroughly
unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a
patient."
"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the
sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I
won't let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says,
"It's swollen!
Contributed by Tim Baird |
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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about
tomorrows final exam. She said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow,
barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" . . . . and
the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher
glared at the student, and said,
"Not an excuse, you can just use your other hand to write with"
Contributed by Capt Jax |
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Chinese Proverbs Passionate
kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Contributed by MAGNEE |
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A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me
Father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The Priest
asks.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language today and I feel
so terrible."
"Why don't you tell me what happened. "What made you use such awful
language?" asked the Priest.
"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and
fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"Is this when you swore?" asked the Priest.
"No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of
the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of
the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," replied the man, "just as the eagle was flying away with
squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the
squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes,
careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap, and on to the green and
stopped dead six inches from the hole!"
The priest sighed and rolled his eyes, "Oh my God, You missed the fucking putt
didn't you?"
Contributed by Bijan N. |
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Futh pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed
Brian where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm
summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for
hours," Futh recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there
watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her
daughter?"
"Baaaaaaa."
Contributed by Andy D |
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A ventriloquist cowboy rides up to a ranch house. The rancher
is sitting on the front porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the
lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often,
and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin
but liars!!!"Contributed by Sandy |
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A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and
there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all
night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes
flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the
air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her
place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the
bedroom and begins undressing him.
The couple has wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he
awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.
"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you
meet." "No, she replies....
(Wait for it....It's coming.............)
(The suspense is killing you ........)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Contributed by MAGNEE |
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Little Johnny came home early from school and started calling
his mother with no answer. He finally went up stairs and saw the bedroom door was open a
little. When he peered in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid so he quietly went
outside and waited for his mother. When she showed up with some groceries, he said
"Mommy, Mommy guess what I saw? I saw daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and
they were......." and his Mother said, "Stop right there, Johnny". Wait
until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, then tell me the story."
At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began
again. "Mommy, When I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw
daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle
Phil doing at the cottage last summer."Contributed by Tim Baird |
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There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first
time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He
is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that,
but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are
going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top
of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to
tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned
him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
Contributed by CaptJax |
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Camping Trip
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a
little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on
each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today.
I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then
tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second
friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate
lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched
deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and
hawks floated all day
overhead.
How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I
followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the
ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all
afternoon. Finally, when I
was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did
you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her
head."
Contributed by Avery5811 |
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On a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston
during our recent hurricane "FRAN", the captain did his best to skirt the edge
of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight
attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and
many of the passengers were putting the little plastic -lined bags in their seat pockets
to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled
themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that
was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do and
I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On
behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your
calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."
After a short pause and several clicks...... "Damn - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I
sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now."
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that
his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the
coffee!"
Contributed by Scott H |
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There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde
who all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their female boss left work a little early. So one day they
met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
That day the boss left early again and so did they.
The Brunette went home and straight to bed so she could get an early start the next
morning.
The Red Head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date.
The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opened the door slowly and saw her
husband in bed with her boss. She quickly shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They
asked the Blonde if she wants to leave early again too. "No," she said,
"yesterday, I nearly got caught!"
Contributed by Denise P |
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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at
the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood
you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her
situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what
seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to open a DAMN checking account in your damn bank,
okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this stupid bitch is giving you a hard
time?"
Contributed by Jean Breirre |
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The Morning Song.... for Non-Morning
People
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his fucking head.
Contributed by Dee from Dallas |
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Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured
princss happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a
hansome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.One kiss from you and I will turn
back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can
prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so! That
night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought: "I
dont fucking think so. "
Contributed by Dee in Montana |
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After years of married life, a man finds he is unable to
perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a
psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could
possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and
there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful
healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say `1-2-3` and it
shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is "1-2-3-4" and
it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for another year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So,
he is lying in bed with her and says "1-2-3", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say "1-2-3" for?"Contributed
by Doc1129 |
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Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found
a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes,
he does," the manager told her.
"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked
"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own
this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse and his language is terrible.
"Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager
shrugged.
When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the
colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and
said, "New house, new madam."
Hillary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird.
"New house, new whores," the parrot observed.
At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they
too, laughed at him.
A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up
from his feeder and said "Hi Bill".
Contributed by Granny |
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This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a
call from a friend. " I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a
horse, I'm sending him over." Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male
or female horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget
and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and
shows the eyes.
"Ok, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up
the midget one more time and shows the ears.
"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the
midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see
her run!"
Contributed by Granny |
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Thought for the day...
The organization is like a tree full of monkeys,
All on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.Contributed by
Granny |
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A little old blue haired lady entered the
lingerie shop and asked in a quavering voice "Young man, d-d-do y-y-you s-s-sell
s-sexual aids h-here in th-this sh-shop?" The salesman was quite surprised by this
grandmotherly lady's question but was able to reply "Well, uh, yes Ma'am, we
do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10" apart asked "D-do
y-y-you have an-ny ab-about th-this s-size" and, forming a circle with her trembling
fingers, "ab-about this b-b-big ar-around?"
"Yes, Ma'am, we do" said the blushing young man. "They're called
dildos."
"Y-yes, and d-do an-ny of th-them have v-v-vi-brators?"
"Yes, they do", replied the salesman.
"W-well, h-how d-do y-y-you t-turn th-them off?"
Contributed by Denise P |
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Chinese Newlyweds
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she
cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed next to her
and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring, I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I plomise you, I give you
anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"
"I wanna numma 69", she replies.
He responds, "You wanna beef with bloccolli?"Contributed by Denise P |
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A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated
side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So,
where ya'll from?"
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a
preposition at the end of a sentence,".
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where
ya'll from, bitch?"Contributed by Anthony J Irvin Sr. |
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A 54-year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one
Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I
will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year old secretary. When he
arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear
Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater
Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year old boy toy. Since you are an accountant, you
will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Contributed
by Shirl |
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Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest
of us?
A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote. Q:
How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate
Lab.
Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day?
A: All pants half off.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They both blew the big one several times.
Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
A: They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here."
Q: What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
A: This time we know who Deep Throat is.
Q: What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
A: A small weenie in hot water.
Q: What are the ingredients for the new, improved Clinton stew:
A: One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans and hot water.
Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns.
Q: How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex?
A: You have to wipe the "White-Water" off your blouse.....
Contributed by DJ on the Beach |
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Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights
bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a
little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at
the club spots them and says, "How are you tonight?"
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's
just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see
you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?".
His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says
Roger, "I just know her from volleyball".
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says
"Roger! A table dance as usual?"
His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and
spots her
getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething
with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says
"Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"
Contributed by DJ on the Beach |
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Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has
not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter
constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says
she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have
someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks
he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.
One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he
does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday
suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down
there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She
standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit, except that he has
an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"
He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences!"
Contributed by Dee from Dallas |
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Top ten names for Ben & Jerry's new
presidential ice cream: 10. Impeach-Mint
9. Candy Pants
8. Hyperactive Nuts
7. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilly
6. Pantsachio
5. Subpoena Colada
4. Horny Bubba Crunch
3. Peppermint Fattie
2. Captain Cream
1. Draft-Dodging, Pot-Smoking, Intern Nailing Raspberry Swirl
Contributed by Granny |
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A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog
one day.
They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume
of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into
the thick of the traffic.
This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked
drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his
coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding
your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out
where his head is, so I can kick his ass."Contributed by CaptJax |
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The Experimental Drug
"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex
anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?
I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is
going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests
so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than
ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has
dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to
bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and
drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment,
hesitates, then drops in a second pill.
And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and
coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife
shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look
comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never
heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."Contributed
by Lisa from Las Vegas |
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A Michigan engineering student was walking across campus when
another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't
have fit."Contributed by Anthony Irvin |
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Two gay men were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at
the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain
himself one of the men reaches in to touch it.
As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes him into the
cage... slams him to the floor and fucks him senseless.
A few days later in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he is hurt...
"Hurt..Hurt.. You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."Contributed
by Andy |
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Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy,
"I've got
another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard." Contributed by Anthony Irvin Sr. |
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Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your
kids to: 10 - Tommy Lee's----Camp Kickachickee
9 - Lorena Bobbit's---Camp Cutaweewee
8 - Tanya Harding's---Camp Whackaneenee
7 - Kenneth Starr's----Camp Catchacrookee
6 - Louis Farakahn's---Camp Killawhitey
5 - O.J. Simpson's ----Camp Killachickee
4 - Michael Jackson's-Camp Grabbakiddie
3 - President Clinton's-Camp Getahoochie
2 - Ellen Degeneras's--- Camp Lickacoochie
And The number 1 camp not to send your kid to:
1 - Monica Lewinsky's ---- Camp Suckaweewee
Contributed by Jean Brierre |
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Guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help
me. My penis is orange."
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the
guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things
like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes
of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work? " The
guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be
the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to
work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I
found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours,
I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great
guy." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do
you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most
nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
Contributed by DJ on the beach |
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A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor
a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but the
bad part is they both notice he has dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor. Once the
doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head
& Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you
give Shoulders?Contributed by DJ on the beach |
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Read this out loud quickly:
I am we Todd did.
I am sofa king we Todd did.
Contributed by Jean Brierre |
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A man is touring New Zealand when he sees a group of
sheepherders, so he decides to ask the them, "Is it true that you all fuck your
sheep?" One of sheepherders replies, "Of course, and if you'd like to try it go
ahead." So the guy walks out to the pasture picks out a sheep and starts plugging
away. When he finishes he goes back to the sheepherders and they're all laughing
hysterically. The guy says, "I thought you said that you all fucked your sheep?"
They replied, "We do but you picked an ugly one."Contributed by
BREWMASTRT |
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A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can
I get you?" the
bartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young
man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first
blowjob,"
the man answered."Well, in that case, let me give you a 7the on the house."
"No offense,sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
Contributed by Granny |
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A chap went up to the counter in the library and said,
"Have you got any books about committing suicide?"
The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle
shelf."
The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all."
The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. The swines never bring 'em back!" |
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Do know the chemical name for Viagra?
Mycoxafilin.
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Kevin, a 19 year old college student, is home for summer
break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part
time job at the local K-Mart.
Kevin fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office. The
manager is the typical K-Mart employee-skinny, glasses, pocket protector and K-Mart
clothes. Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at K-Mart. He says,
"Kevin, do you think you have what it takes to work at the 'Big K'?"
Kevin laughs to himself, thinking "what an asshole!" But since it was an
interview he responded, "Absolutely."
The Manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need
to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've got those qualities?"
Again, Kevin laughs to himself, "Is this fucking guy serious?" but he says
again, "Absolutely." "Well let me show you how it's done,"says the
manager.
The manager leads Kevin to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along
drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.
The manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there."
"Yup," responds the customer.
The manager winks at Kevin and says, "Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for
that grass you're putting down?"
Kevin actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head. "Yeah! That's a
great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a
really nice model.
"Ya see, Kev, that's how it's done. Ya think you can do that?"
"Hell, yeah!" says Kevin, "Just watch."
Kevin steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of
tampons onto the counter. Kevin looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer.
"That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got there," says Kevin.
The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup."
A moment of silence passes and then Kevin blurts out, "Would you be interested in
buying a new lawnmower?" The customer looks up from his shoes and responds,
"What the fuck would I want a lawnmower for?"
Kevin winks at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be getting laid this
weekend I figured you might want to mow your lawn!"Contributed by TAT2DLADY |
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Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it doggie
style?" asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's into the dog trick aspect
of it."
"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"
"Well... not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead."Contributed
by Randy English |
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Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a
street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some
fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the
guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes
inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know what to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker
on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on
the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than
mine. He took my 5 dollars."Contributed by Anthony J. Irvin Sr. |
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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today
we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"
Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a
hand-job."
Contributed by TAT2DLADY |
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A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier
during the
settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the
town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys,
"What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?".
The cowboy replied, "See them thar' sheep up on thet hill. We just go
git us one." "That is disgusting and barbaric!" replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He
decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels
how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch,
bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate,
dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed. After he
finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He
wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano
fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and
stared in shocked disbelief. The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites.
You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been
doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy, "that's the sheriff's gal
you're with."
Contributed by Tim Baird |
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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of
his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it
wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their
patients so its not like you're the first...". This made the doctor feel a little bit
better until still another
voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".Contributed
by MJD |
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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they
both go
before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only
one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them
gets in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she
takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever
created, and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day for
eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Elizabeth the same question. She
says nothing, but drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out
of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two
of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and she gets
in and I don't!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair every
time."
Contributed by Anthony J Irvin SR |
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A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl,
out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you? The mother responded,
"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll
learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question,
"Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a
subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to
play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The
girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's
license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts
off with, Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 39 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You
weigh 145 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. Any I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.
You got an 'F' in sex."
Contributed by Shirl |
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A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group
of hookers. Everyday as he passes them the hookers wave at him with their pinkie fingers
and say "Hi there little boy!!"
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their
pinkie fingers.
She replies, "Well...that is what size we imagine your penis to be...it is just a
joke!"
The next day on his way home the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and
drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his
lips very wide and says, "HI THERE LADIES!Contributed by Anthony J. Irvin SR |
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A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was
knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page
and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female
achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his
wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returns all tired and
sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig
keeps squealing, I can't tell." Contributed by CaptJax |
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A woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"
And what a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
Contributed by Shirl |
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****************************************************** WARNING
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Ga., has announced that
The President of the United States has PROVEN, you CAN get
sex from aides.
******************************************************* |
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Funny
Frescoes