The Outhouse!
Page 3
grill over there? I'll bet your butt is as big as that grill. It's huge!" The wife gets really mad, tells him HE can finish the #$@%#* yard HIMSELF and she goes inside. Then the husband finds a yardstick, measures the grill, goes inside and measures his wife and says, "Yup, they are both the same size." The wife is livid! She doesn't speak to him the rest of the day. When the man comes to bed that night, he tries to cuddle up next to his wife and says, "Hey honey, how 'bout it?" She thinks for a moment and pulls away. "What's wrong?" he asks. "You're crazy if you think I'm firing up this big gas grill for one little weenie!"
Contributed by Pam Schindler
WHAT AM I?
IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.
WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........
.....TOOTHBRUSH.........
what were you thinking?
You PERVERT!
Contributed by Jean Brierre
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church"!
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I
thought it was so damn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!"
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?!"
Contributed by Dennis Long
Now, everyone knows that pirates are associated with buccaneers. So, the man said, "Well son, where are you're buccaneers?" And the little boy replied,"on the side of my buckin' head!!!"
Contributed by Dennis Long
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 men to give up drugs forever."
"156 men! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison......
Contributed by Mr. X
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," shouts the second.
She switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!" says the second.
The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" screams the first nun.
"Show him your cross!" says the second. So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD!!"
Contributed by Leah Phillips
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been ?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon, and I fell asleep."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "you lying bastard---you’ve been playing golf!"
Contributed by Lisa Watkins
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a
sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives
him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor
asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's
like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands
and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your
NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we
couldn't get the damn jar open!"
Contributed by Dennis Long
"Five thousand dollars!", he said, "what do you need $5000 for ?"
"I can't really say, but I really need it!", she replied.
"Well if you can't tell me what it is for then you can't have it.", said the husband.
A few days go by and she try's again, but with no luck.
The third time she decides to explain her intentions for the money.
"Five grand for a boob job, you must be kidding!", he barks...... I've got a better idea, here is two dollars, go down to the store and buy a big roll of toilet paper and rub it all over your breasts just as hard as you can.
"Toilet paper", she asks, "What good will that do?"
"It must do something", says the husband, "Look what it did to your ass."
Contributed by Jeorge Flores
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
Contributed by Joseph Brierre
(and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the
other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off men like you.)
And the number 1 rejection line given by women
(and what it really means)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other
men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)
In response... The male perspective on the same issue ...
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men
(and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by men
(and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)
More on this subject below
Contributed by Gord Maric
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny "thang"--about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says the woman.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims as they fell into bed and make mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, the Earth male asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she says, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was OK," he replies, "but a little weird. The whole time she was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
Contributed by Lisa Watkins
Contributed by Joe Morales
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
Contributed by Joe Morales
Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
Sam saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, as he was finishing dinner, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's certainly not a problem" says Sam, "Remember, I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.
Contributed by Joe Morales
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
Contributed by Mr. X
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
5) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."
7) And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized. Screw off!"
8) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
9) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation.
We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
10) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once:
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!", she responded, "Yea! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
Contributed by Leah Phillips
The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, thinking, "Typical white man -- can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, thinking again, "Typical white man -- going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips, DAMN IT!!! I said POSSE -- P-O-S-S-E!!!"
Contributed by Leah Phillips and told by Granny a long time ago
"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
Contributed by Dennis Long
Contributed by Leah Phillips
"What do they say?", the priest asked.
"They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'"
"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and Iwill put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you." said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
One day the three stooges were having a good time when all of a sudden they all died at the same time. When they arrived at the gate, St. Peter was stunned. "Gee, I've never had three people arrive at the same time," St.Peter exclaimed. "Here's how it works. I ask you a biblical question, and if you get it correct, you get into Heaven. But I usually only have 2 questions ready at a time."
So Larry stepped up, and St. Peter asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?"
Larry answered, "Adam." Bells rang, birds chirped, and he walked into heaven.
Next Moe stepped up and St. Peter asked, "Who was the first woman on earth?"
Moe said, "Eve." Bells rang, birds chirped, and he walked into heaven.
Last Curly came and St. Peter said, " I usually don't need a 3rd question, so let me think... "What were the first words spoken by Eve to Adam?"
Curly was stumped and mumbled to himself, "Gee that's a hard one."
Bells rang, birds chirped. and he walked into heaven.
I heard this joke a long, long time ago
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket.
Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, you're going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"
"Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself."
"I'm leaving for the crusade," he tells his squire. "Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key."
The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He was ready to ride off when he sees one of the squires rushing across the drawbridge, yelling for him.
"Oh sire," the squire panted. "Thank goodness I was able to catch you. You gave us the WRONG KEY!"
Contributed by Jan from Jersey
"Listen," said the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin, "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," said the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient added, "You have a REALLY nice house."
Contributed by Joe Morales
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over and she shows him her appreciation by ******.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. They have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight round of golf.
Again, she nips him at the last. He drives her home and again she shows her appreciation to him.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm sorry," she/he repeats.
"YOU BASTARD," he screams, red in the face, "YOU CHEATING BASTARD. YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING FROM THE RED TEES ALL WEEK!!"
Contributed by Joe Morales
Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb" The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says "Buckwheat is dumb"
Now spell "stupid". Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid". The teacher says,"very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says "Buckwheat, spell dictate." Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate". The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence."
"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
Contributed by Granny
About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says,"Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I''ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?
The bishop says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sits down and writes: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you DID take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DID NOT take a gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the bishop receives a letter fron the young priest, which reads: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with you housekeeper, but the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Contributed by Granny
The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex rom a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health insurance plan."
Contributed by Lisa Watkins
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
next ---------------------
As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying,
"Relax...; you are *not* the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients. But, another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian!"
Contributed by Tim Bowen
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
Contributed by Leah Phillips