The Outhouse!
Page 2
She says, "What is it my son?"
The cabbie replies, "Oh, I'm too embarrassed to say, sister."
She says,"Please, feel free to say anything. I've been a nun for many years and not too many things surprise me anymore."
The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had this overwhelming fantasy to get a blow job from a nun. Oh, I'm so ashamed!"
The nun says, "That's okay, I understand the need of the flesh. I will do it on two conditions: one, that you are Catholic and two, that you are not married."
The cabbie says, "Yes on both conditions!"
So they drive around the corner to a spot where the nun takes care of the cabbie.
As they continue on their way, the nun notices the cabbie is crying.
She says, "What's wrong, my son?"
He says, "Sister, I lied. I'm jewish and I'm married!"
She says, "That's okay. My name's Jim and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
Contributed by HWr7068303
Q: Know what they found in the
pocket of Monica Lewinski's dress???
A: A wad of Bills
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out.
He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."
Contributed by Granny
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
buy flowers for her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...
How to impress a man:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
Contributed by Jean Brierre
The brave went to the chiefs' teepee and after being permitted to enter he asked the chief the same question. The chief repiled "When a woman goes into labour I enter my tent. When labour is finished and the baby is born I leave my tent. The first thing I see is the new babys name, like - rising sun - setting moon etc........Why do you ask two dogs fucking?"
*****
A guy was sitting in a bar and a very beautiful girl came in and sat near him. After a while he moved closer and asked her if she would go to bed with him for $1000.00. She immediately repiled "Yes"..He then asked if she would go to bed with him for $100.00. She asked "What sort of girl do you think I am"? "That has already been established" he replied. " We are now just haggling about the price".
Contributed by Alf from Australia
This couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. Her husband was lying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?"
He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry."
"And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily.
He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"
Contributed by Maria
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
Contributed by HumorMeK
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay", she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
Contributed by Anthony J Irvin, SR
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked,"Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut," he said, and dropped her.
Contributed by Dee from Dallas
The guys asks well what are the tasks? The bartender continues, "Well first, we have a gallon of Pepper Tequila, you've got to drink the entire gallon without stopping, then there is an old mean and nasty alligator out back, he's 13 feet long, huge, he's got a sore tooth, you've got to pull the sore tooth. Finally there is a woman upstairs and she's never been "satisified" sexually... YOU have to make things right for her."
The guys says Wow... that's alot for free beer, I think I'll just pay for mine. After about 6 or 7 beers, the guy tells the bartender he's game for the free beer and wants to try for it.
Everyone in the bar gathers around the guy as the bartender pulls out this huge jug of pepper tequila and hands it to the guy. The man lifts the jug up and starts downing the tequila. It takes him almost 2 minutes to drink the entire gallon but he does it without stopping. After finishing the last drop he sets the jug down and tells the crowd to point him to the alligator out back.
The guy walks out the back door and all of a sudden all hell breaks loose. Screaming, growling, yelling, the sound of clothes ripping, just a knock down, drag out old fashion country ass whooping happening. This continues for about 10 whole minutes then finally silence. The people
are scared to look out the back afraid the guys dead when all of a sudden the back door opens and the guy staggers in all tore up. He's got scratches and gouges all of his face and body, his shirt and pants are all torn to shreds, he's got a black eye and blood is dripping from
his nose and starring blankly out into space.
He looks at he crowd and asks "Now where the lady with the sore tooth!"
Contributed by John W
After selecting his partner, they proceeded to the room and undressed. As soon as the love session began, his female partner started softly whispering "Yakamoda", Yakamoda". Not knowing any of the language, he believed this was good and that she was enjoying the session as much as he was. He proceeded to move faster now and the woman said with a firmer tone "Yakamoda", "Yakamoda" , "Yakamoda". He was beside himself now spurred by the enthusiasm of his female partner and proceeded to imitate a rabbit he had seen on the discovery channel. She now screamed deep from her lungs "Yakamoda", "Yakamoda", "YAKAMODA"! As he finished, he found that she had feinted so he collected his things and left.
The next day he found himself playing golf with one of his Japanese clients. It was a par 3, approximately 173 yards when his Japanese playing partner struck the ball which took flight, landed on the green and then rolled gently into the hole. Struck with excitement and at a loss for words, the American stated "Yakamoda" sir.
The Japanese gentleman looked at him strangely and stated "what do you mean wrong hole"?
Contributed by Katie Weaver
The Bill Clinton version: "My Favorite Things" (From "The Sound of Music")
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad
copyright 1998 Wayne Aaronson
Contributed by Dee from Dallas
------------------------------------
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short
skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was
ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom,
then answers,"A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What
would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie,
please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across
the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think
it's pronounced 'QUICHE' .
Contributed by Beth from Trinidad
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
Contributed by HWr7068303
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: Your having sex
Bad: The dog came in the room and licked your butt
Ugly: You liked it
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Contributed by Jean Brierre
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
Contributed by Katie Weaver
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing
and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the
woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his
head and the golfball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then
proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a
leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too
badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and
he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I
would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out
golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods
and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and
asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a
hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex
life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a
week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic
priest in a small parish."
Contributed by Dee from Dallas
Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old, and wheelchair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds.
She confronted him and said "Where were you these past couple of nights?"
He replied "If you must know, I was with another woman".
"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?".
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.
"Nope; she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled slyly and said " Parkinson's disease".
Contributed by Jean Brierre
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being Referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure . . "
The salesman eyed Joe and said,"Let's see . . . .34 sleeve and . . ..18 ½ neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . . "
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . . 9 ½.. . wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right , how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe was feeling great,when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure . . . "
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ...size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Contributed by JustDee from Montana
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not Sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, experienced for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell sex is work?!"
The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
Contributed by Rosie from West Virginia
Carter yelled, "let's get ourselves, the women and children into the life boats."
Nixon said,"F*** the women."
Clinton responded, "Do we have time?"
Contributed by Michele from Dallas
Clinton has stopped playing the saxophone; he now blows the ho'monica.
1. The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says, "Open wide"
3. the hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you’ll love it"
6. The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says, "Spread ‘em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
Contributed by Joe Morales
10. Truly an eager beaver.
9. Uses too much teeth.
8. Stays late, comes early.
7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.
6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.
5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.
4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
3. "In box" is always clean and shiny.
2. Tends to blab on the telephone.
And the best thing the President had to say about her...
1. This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale.
Contributed by Rosie from West Virginia
"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into he house, slams the door behind her, and screams to her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
Contributed by Michele in Dallas
I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said,
"Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"
She said, "Do you like sex?"
I said, "Of course I like sex."
She said, "Do you like to travel?"
I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."
She said, "Then fuck off."
Contributed by Michele from Dallas
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
"NO! Get away from me"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says.
She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them.
So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answers: "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?
Contributed by Rosie in West Virginia
The Pope explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the Hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to Heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late
Contributed by Michele in Dallas
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I’m really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells Jack, "Don’t worry we can take care of you. No problem."
She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can’t be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and closes the door behind her.
With the eagerness of a young teenager he quickly undresses.
Once naked, Jack wastes no time and starts to fuck the chicken. As soon as Jack developes a rhythm he starts to enjoy himself a great deal. He and the chicken really go at it for a while until all that built up frustration is finally released.
Jack can’t remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.
One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10.
"Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells Jack.
Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other.
Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won’t do to each other.
Jack once again feels like he is getting his money’s worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "this is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!
The guy turns to Jack and says, "That’s nothing.....last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken."
Contributed by Jean Brierre
wants to break into show-biz. So the agent says, "Okay kid, show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit,
does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
"Great kid...Just great!" says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can
get you a show on TV" (this was in the early sixties)
"By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."
"Scuse me?" questions the agent.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian." again replies the young man.
"Hey, I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name. Nobody is
going to hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."
Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his
name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid.. Good to
see ya again. Are you still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies,
"Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name,
Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it.
"Great kid. Great. What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
Contributed by Michele from Dallas
by Dr. Seuss
Starr-I-Are.
I’m here to ask,
As you’ll soon see...
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that
Here or there...
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far...
I did not do that
Starr-you-are!
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
The girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?
I do not like you
Starr-you-are...
I think that you
Have gone too far!
I will not answer
Any more...
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
The public’s easy
To distract
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!
Contributed by Bill Lewis
Quayle says, "I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich says, "I’m going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where’s Dorothy?"
Contributed by Bill Lewis
CEO Seeks Intern
World’s most powerful man (really), seeks a young lady to join his harem. I am 40 ish, 5’11", 180 lbs, gray / green, non smoker (except once but I didn’t inhale) Looking for a bikini babe 21-25 who is well versed in taking DIC-tation.. Must hold up well under pressure and be able to deny everything. If you enjoy "quickies" in the back room and are not a Rush Limbaugh fan please call ROM#6969
Contributed by a Greatguy
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches
Contributed by Jeff Forsha
been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"
"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.
As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"
"No not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when"
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.
"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax,
Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
Contributed by Michele from Dallas
the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the
breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old a$$?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Contributed by Kimmer in Oregon
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
Contributed by Jeorge Flores
have sex? It was found that men prefered to engage in sexual
activity on the days that started with "T":
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday
Contributed by Kimmer in Oregon
Only one word leapt to mind... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Contributed by Drew Hill
Dear
Reyer School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am
84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice
to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten
lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it.
The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was
awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
Contributed by Brad Webster
entire story.
Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt & Awe Schitt who ran a
country hotel called the "Knee Deep Inn"!
Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Eideer & together they produced
six children. Sadly their first child, Holy Schitt passed away
shortly after birth. Next came their twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip
Schitt. Then they had two daughters Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt.
Their last child was a son who they named Bull Schitt.
As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Aars, who was a high school
dropout. She became Dumb Schitt. Dip Schitt married Lotta Krapp who
then became Lotta Schitt. She gave birth to a son they named Chicken
Schitt.
Fulla Schitt & Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The
Schitt-Happens children are called Dawg Schitt-Happens, Byrd
Schitt-Happens & Hawse Schitt-Happens.
Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian girl named Pisa. Pisa
Schitt & Bull Schitt are awaiting the birth of their first child Baby
Schitt.
SO, the next time someone says "You Don't Know Jack Schitt"
You can say, "I not only know Jack Schitt, but I know the rest of his
family, including his two Russian cousins Smellza Schitt & Crokka
Schitt.
Contributed by Sara from Australia
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me??
3. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2. 45 bucks? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway(s).
And the number 1 thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
1. Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
Contributed by Leah Phillips
here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.
The student replies, "Ghost?!?"
"Dang it, I thought you said 'goats.'"
Contributed by Leah Phillips
and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union
house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized, shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the
madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house." The man asked,
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said. He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame. Then, gesturing to an
obese, repulsive, fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel
here, has more seniority."
Contributed by Kimmer in Oregon
The old woman is intent on her beads and does not look up.
Michelangelo figures that she is hard of hearing, so he shouts, "I am Jesus Christ! Listen to me and I will perform miracles!"
With head bent, the woman continues praying so Michelangelo shouts, "I AM JESUS CHRIST! LISTEN TO ME!"
The old woman yells back, "God Dammit will you shut the fuck up?!?! I'm talking to your mother!"
Contributed by Dee from Dallas
The man called over to his wife "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the women gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says " Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The women gets up and enters the
man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out.
As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says "Clumsy Bitch!"
Contributed by Perkyredneck
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
Contributed by Pam Schindler
The attorney asked why he was so adamant in his answer. He replied that he once had a very bad experience with circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain.
"Well sir", the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking ole'Bessie one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry.
Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down and started milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor as well. She then proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both of them to the floor...
Well, I thought I had things under control until she whipped her tail around and slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-shirt and boots, my wife walked into the barn!! .....No Sir!! I do not believe in Circumstantial Evidence.
Contributed by Michele in Dallas
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere, and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Contributed by Larry AKA ElvisFan1
'Hey, how about we go inside and get shitfaced'.
Contributed by Larry AKA ElvisFan1
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big boobs.
In high school, I dated a girl with big boobs, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was without direction. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big boobs.
Contributed by Mr. X
Contributed by Jean Brierre