Holiday
Humor!
Updated 10-24-02
Funny Stuff
| Politically correct Santa | 12 days of Christmas (revisited) | Union Santa |
Jokes and other funnies (latest first)
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; the patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears. Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's--all here!!
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall, now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"
Contributed by Roger
To
all of my friends that do not have the Martha Stewart cookbook
1
pkg of stuffing mix
1
cup diced celery
1/2
cup diced onion
1
tsp poultry seasoning
1
stick of butter or Margarine
1
cup unpopped popcorn
Mix
all ingredients and stuff bird. Place in 350 degree oven. Allow 15 minutes
per pound of turkey. When the popcorn pops and blows the ass off the
turkey, it is done.
Contributed by Roger
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need'. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
Contributed by R Curry
"What else?" he replied smiling. "I'm a pull toy!"
Contributed by Penguin SLC
15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8, No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
Contributed by Pirate John
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, and he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, and he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
His Response... "They're Carol's."
Contributed by Bill from Ft Worth
Christmas
Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE
PERSONALITY DISORDER: We
Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and . . .
PARANOID:
Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY
DISORDER: You Better Watch
Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is lonely
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE
DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,........ (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
PERSONALITY: On The First Day
of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
Contributed by Jean Brierre
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"It's a little dry. Do you still want me to eat it?"
"Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
"Just lay back and take it easy. I'll do the rest."
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
"Use a nice, smooth stroke when you whip it."
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know when it's ready when it pops up."
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
Contributed by Tim Baird
Twas the day after Christmas,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter
disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Contributed by Rhonda
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on
Christmas Eve?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
Q. Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?
A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!
Contributed by PenguinSLC
A Redneck Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the shack,
not a thing was a movin',
from the front to the back,
The kids were in bed,
I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers,
was lookin' real fine.
A cold wind was blowin',
up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch
howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin'
of weapons and guns,
for killin' God's creatures,
there's no better fun.
The girls in their feminine
dreams were attuned,
to getting those gallons
of Wal-Mart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry,
like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy,
down off the blocks.
Then in the yard,
such a noise did commence,
like something was caught,
in the barb-wire fence.
I ran to the window,
and saw pretty quick,
the man makin' the racket,
was Good Ol' St. Nick.
You may think of Santa,
in your own mind's eye,
dressed in a red and white suit,
But I've got a surprise.
That old boy's an Arkie,
our fair state he won't fail'er,
He married his cousin,
and they live in a trailer.
On Christmas, of course,
a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up,
to a razorback pig.
He climbed on the roof,
with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace,
all dirty and sooty.
Fat legs in his britches,
chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back,
he looked like Bill Clinton.
He turned toward the tree,
His eyes all aglow,
He was a Southern boy,
from his head to his toe.
His neck was a red one,
His shirt said "Light Beer",
there was no red hat,
his cap read,"John Deere".
He left all the presents,
with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney,
and into the night.
He ran into the yard,
and threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs,
to get out of the way.
And I heard him exclaim,
as those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all,
and to all a good night.....
or maybe it was a "Bud Lite"
Contributed by Dee from Dallas
After the perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple
were driving their perfect car along a winding road,
when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Clause with a huge bundle of toys. Not
wanting to disappoint any children on Christmas Eve, the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into thier
vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Clause had an accident. Only one
of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Clause and there is no such thing as the perfect man.
****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
****Men keep scrolling down.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Clause, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident in the first place.
By the way, if you're a woman and your reading this, it only serves to illustrate another point: women never listen either.
Take good care........
P S -- HAVE A GREAT DAY !!!! :-)
Contributed by Anthony J Irvin Sr.
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
Twas The
night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
So I took their stereo.
See
that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La
by Dean Bakopoulos
'Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House
Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.
The Secret Service men were guarding the premises with care,
for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.
Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed
after locking out Mr. Kennedy and the dirty thoughts in his head.
And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy grey tweed,
had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.
When out in the garden came a plethora of noise,
all drunken and rowdy: 'twas Gingrich and the boys!
Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,
"It's a raid boys!" he cried, "Quick, go hide my stash!"
The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow
gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below.
When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear,
but a slew of Republicans and a keg of ice beer,
with a big old leader, all lively and fat;
He knew it was Newt, "Proponent of GATT!"
As vicious as vipers, the Republicans came,
and Bill recognized them and called them by name.
"Hey Helms! Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch!
Hey Dole and Pataki, it's time for a bash!"
A collective cheer rose out from the crowd,
"Let's listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!"
Together Dems and Rebublicans danced and sang out in cheer,
"Screw Health Care and Haiti, it's time to drink beer!"
When from the chimney, came a blinding black cloud of soot,
and Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.
He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand
and when all was silent, he did a keg stand.
And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer,
and champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.
As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room,
the rest of the crooks outlined their Hidden Agenda of Doom:
"We'll pray in schools, we'll shove it down their throats!"
"More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!"
And they drank, hugged, and danced, they crossed party lines,
and they cheered, "It doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!"
So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap
and took turns sitting on the president's lap.
And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn,
and awoke in the morning without their pants on.
And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear,
while Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer.
Then the party-goers discovered a sight so touching and cute,
President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt.
Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots,
"A Merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!"
_______________________
Copyright 1994, by The Michigan Review, Inc.
All Rights Reserved
What do you call a truck load of vibrators heading South from the North Pole on Christmas Eve?
Toys for twats!
Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.
All the homeys was hopin' the crack would be good
The workshoes were hung where they'd never be used
Since the welfare system is so much abused
With Kwase Mfume and Schmoke at the Hall
Waiting around for Clinton to call
I in my workclothes sat back with a case
After ten hours of sweat, it was time to get faced
After the tenth, I was totally waxed
And wondered aloud, when will piss become taxed
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter
I slipped as I zipped with a half empty bladder
Then what to my wondering eyes did appear
A fat old black man - a gold ring in his ear
He said, "I'm Father Kwanzaa, and Santa is dead"
"So git yo' white ass on back into yo' bed!"
"For Farrakhan rules, and Bill is our man,"
"So out of yo' pockets, and into our hands!"
"Your money in taxes, empowerment grants,"
"Your lucky I don't take thoise baggy-assed pants!"
Then he ransacked my house, even took my last beer,
And said with a voice full of holiday cheer,
"Keep workin' those days, keep workin' those nights,"
"Happy Kwanzaa to all - Don't it SUCK TO BE WHITE!"
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........
Contributed by Joseph Brierre