Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer’s studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner’s window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Sign in a Japanese hotel:
SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS
Sign in Egyptian hotel:
IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!"
At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.—Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.."
At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store:
"15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament—Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished
."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car."
Contributed by Gord Maric