Funny stuff!
Page 3
Contributed by Lisa Watkins
The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM !, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do." The chief replys "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says," "No, even more important." The chief replys, "It's the Governor, is it ?" The trooper replys "No, even more important." "It's isn't the President is it?" "No, more important", replies the trooper. "Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
Contributed by Leah Phillips
1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
22) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
23) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
24) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
Contributed by Wiley Wilkins
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this".
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh I'm so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Conrtibuted by Fred Shaver
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
Contributed by Leah Phillips
Acura Integra: I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend: I am too bland for German cars
Acura NSX: I am impotent
Audi 90: I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue: I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado: I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville: I am a pimp
Camaro: My name is Donna. I'm blonde
Chevette: I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Corvette: I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino: I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba: I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z: I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart: I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona: I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa: I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Explorer: I loved Tonka toys
Ford Fairmont: (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang: I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria: I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm: I will start the 11th grade in the fall
Geo Tracker: I will start the 12th grade in the fall
Honda del Sol: I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic: I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord: I lack any originality and am basically a lemming
Any Hyundai: My ego was such that I absolutely had to have a NEW car even though I couldn't afford one
Infiniti Q45: I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending
Isuzu Impulse: I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports
Jaguar XJ6: I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year
Kia Sephia: I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach: I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car: I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis: (See above)
Mercedes 500SL: I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL: I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata: I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB: I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante: I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX: I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings
Oldsmobile Cutlass: I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel: I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon: I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac TransAm: I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo: I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944: I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow: I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2: (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy: I am out of the closet
Toyota Camry: I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle: I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet: I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus: I am tripping right now 20
Volvo 740 Wagon: I am frightened of my wife
Volkswagen Corrado: I was tired of repair bills on my Porsche 944
Yugo: I had to have a new car but I didn't have as much money as my friend who bought the Hyundai
Contributed by Kirk Ward
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Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he heard from a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, ya gotta move away from here".
They said "Californee is the place ya oughta be",
So he packed up and moved to Silicon Vallee...
Intel, that is... Pentium ("Digital Inside") ... big amusement park...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him some donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and was escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is to listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...Scot McNealy
Y'all come back now... ya hear'
Contributed by Rhonda Barnes
1. A number of different approaches are being tried
We are pissing in the wind.
2. Extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. Close project coordination
We know who to blame.
4. Major technological breakthrough
It works OK, but looks very Hi-Tech.
5. Customer satisfaction is delivered assured
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. Test results were extremely gratifing
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. It is in the process
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopless.
10. We will look into it
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. Please note and initial
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've
already done.
13. Give us your interpretation
I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. See me or Let's Discuss
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. All New
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. Rugged
Too damn heavy to lift!
17. Lightweight
Lighter than Rugged.
18. Years of development
One finally worked.
19. Energy saving
Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. Low maintenance
Impossible to fix if broken.
Contributed by Gord Maric
USA Today:
We're Dead
The Wall Street Journal:
Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends
National Enquirer:
O.J. and Nicole, Together Again
Playboy:
Girls of the Apocalypse
Microsoft Systems Journal:
Apple Loses Market Share
Victoria's Secret Catalog:
Our Final Sale
Sports Illustrated:
Game Over
Wired:
The Last New Thing
Rolling Stone:
The Greatful Dead Reunion Tour
Readers Digest:
'Bye
Discover Magazine:
How Will the Extinction of All Life As We Know It Affect the Way We View the Cosmos?
TV Guide:
Death and Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!
Lady's Home Journal:
Lose 10 LBS by Judgement Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!
America Online:
System Temporarily Down. Try Calling Back In 15 Minutes.
Inc. Magazine:
Ten Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse
Microsoft's Web Site:
If You Didn't Experience The Rapture, Download Software Patch Rapt777.exe
Sun:
Armageddon Tolerant Software Now Available!
NBC News:
The End Is Near. First, These Messages . . .
Home Shopping Network:
Everything Must Go!
Contributed by Jenny
"Unknown"
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple otherthings). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep due to breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows opened it wouldn't have been fatal, but the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom. He was ``...a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas".'' Three of the rescue workers became ill, and one was hospitalized.
"San Jose Mercury News"
A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
Contributed by Gord Maric
The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.
The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry.
The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play.
The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".
Contributed by Jenny