Funny stuff (Page 2)

	Funny stuff!
	Page 2

	A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." Contributed by Leah Phillips

Next Page
Previous Page
Home Page



	A workplace prayer: Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And Lord...help me be mindful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may need to kiss tomorrow. (Oh how true!) Contributed by Bill Duckworth









	A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" "No." "Got any duck feed?" Contributed by Dennis Long












	A blond walks into a plane... she has a coach ticket.... but seats herself in the first class section.... a man walks up... checks the seat... and says to her.... I'm sorry miss you must be in the wrong seat..... she says.... im blond... im beautiful... im going to hawaii in first class.... so the man tries to explain this to her again... but she will not move..... so he approaches the flight attendent.... explains the situation to her.. and she goes over to talk to the woman.... she explains this is not her seat and she'll have to move.... her reply was.... im blond.... im beautiful.... im going to hawaii in first class.... running out of ideas... the flight attendent speaks to the pilot... who quickly talks to the woman..... explains the situation.... and the woman moves into coach class..... everyone is speechless..... when the pilot is through he returns to the group of people who all want to know...what he possibly could have said .... that made her change seats ....... well he said.... i just explained............ first class doesnt stop in hawaii.... only coach. Contributed by Dennis Long














	An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."











	Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them lost all sense of reasoning, started talking nonsense, and couldn't drive. Contributed by Wiley Wilkins






	What's your Corporate Zodiac? Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out... MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"... ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter! MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager". SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager". CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. CONSULTANT/CONTRACTOR: Independent-minded, and unique of wit. You are a loser. Goddamn mercenaries like you who can't hold a steady job shouldn't be allowed to roam the earth. Everyone laughs at you behind your back. Contributed by Brad Webster







































	One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?" Contributed by Wiley Wilkins

























	A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller. "What's this?" he asks the waiter. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these." "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time." Contributed by Leah Phillips













	An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman enter a pub and each proceed to order a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their beverages they notice that a fly has landed in each of their beers and has gotten stuck in the creamy head. The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust. The Scotsman fishes the offending insect out with his finger and continues drinking as if nothing has ever happened. The Irishman picks the fly out of his beer by the wings, holds it over the glass and yells, "Spit it out you bastard!!!" Contributed by Joe Morales














	A woman was very despondent over not having a date in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, in somewhat broken English, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me acloss the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr.Chang said "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf ad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem". The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY like your butt!" -- Contributed by Dennis Long














	A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rearview mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the hell," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I will let you go!" The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back." Contributed by Wiley Wilkens









	A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.So, he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, they decided to send it to president Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Indeed, the little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank you note: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%. Contribued by Tracy Stiles













	Truth Is Stranger than Fiction Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble ,because of language and cultural differences. For example.... Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le" which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth." In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead." Also in Chinese the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "Finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off." The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem--Feeling Free" got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova into South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe. Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried all the name plates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato." Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken" got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of the birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained, "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused." Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the names of a notorious pornographic magazine. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water. Japan's second largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of the Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name. Contributed by Clay Lorance

















































	Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered." The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."













	It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs..." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Suddenly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla, and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!!!!!!" Contributed by Leah Phillips














	AP, Arkansas] A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in! Contributed by Brad Webster














	One day a preacher was walking through the woods, singing and praising, when he met a big bear. He was very frightened and dropped to his knees to pray. He prayed, " if you do nothing else, PLEASE make this bear a Christian, God- Fearing bear!". The bear stood motionless for a few moments, then got down on its knees and said, "I am truly thankful for the food you have prepared for me this day." Contributed by Jan from Jersey








	Top 17 signs that your team is in trouble: 17> It's mid-March and they're *still* on the front page. 16> More coke sold in the locker room than the concession stands. 15> Prior convictions now listed on backs of trading cards. 14> Receivers have to check in with parole officer before running deep routes. 13> To save time, they schedule press conferences to take place during the police lineup. 12> Instead of "first and ten", it's "five to ten, with time off for good behavior." 11> Too many players are only allowed to play in home games. 10> Your Defensive Coordinator is Johnny Cochran. 9> "Today's halftime entertainment is brought to you by the Riker's Island Death Row Marching Band." 8> Cornerback incapable of covering opponents due to poorly phrased restraining order requiring him to stay 50 feet away from anyone wearing "tight pants and spikes." 7> Players frequently going over to Williams' house to watch "game films." 6> That kid in the tunnel after the game doesn't want your jersey, he wants a gram. 5> The Goodyear Blimp has taken to following certain players 24 hours a day. 4> Spiffy blue and silver uniforms replaced with spiffy orange jumpsuits. 3> Tommy Lee Jones is covering your wide receiver. 2> Starting quarterback has spent more years at State Pen then he did at Penn State. 1> Your star running back's new position is "spouse of the man with the most cigarettes. Contributed by Wiley Wilkins




























	A priest was walking down a street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try and reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked. "Now," said the boy, "run like hell!"




	Two brothers, 8 and 10, were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request; the priest agreed and the mother sent the younger boy first to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk. For a long time they merely sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his finger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Scared, the boy said nothing. Again the priest pointed at the boy and shouted, "Where is God?!" The boy panicked, bolted from the room and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he said shakily, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older brother asked, "What do you mean, big trouble?" Wide-eyed and trembling, the littler boy gulped and replied, "God is missing and they think we did it." Contributed by Wiley Wilkins



















	Some evidence that the gene pool may need a little chlorine: Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar. ** I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. Warning! At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card properly to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me." Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble? Idiots and Geography: After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?" Advice for Idiots: An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees." "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes." Idiots in the Neighborhood: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason? Too many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. Idiots and Computers: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" Idiots Are Easy To Please I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed. Idiots In Food Services My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. ** Idiots Do Math: A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that,and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years." Contributed by John Phillips


















































	The Long Flight: An Engineer and a Sales Guy are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Sales Guy and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Sales Guy just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Sales Guy politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500!" This catches the Sales Guy's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Sales Guy doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the Engineer. Now, it's the Sales Guy turn. He asks the Engineer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The Engineer looks at him puzzled. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his coworkers--all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Sales Guy and hands him $500. The Sales Guy politely takes the $500 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Sales Guy and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Sales Guy reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep. Contributed by Brad Webster






























	The Bunny & the Snake Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when suddenly the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be an attorney." Contributed by Fred Shaver
















	A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if Ihave a few" he asks. "No, not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant of eat a few. "Oh that's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them." Contributed by Gord Maric













	Cheerios A 8-year-old and his 6-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 8-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 8-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'."The 6-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 8-year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." The surprised mother reacts quickly. WHACK! The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 6-year-old blubbers, "you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios! Contributed by Fred Shaver













	Statues: For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head." Contributed by Bill Duckworth
















	This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Contributed by Dana Webb














	"Gimme a sandwich", says the panda to the saloon keeper. Gobbling it down, he draws a six-shooter, plugs the piano player and heads for the door. "Hey!" yells the barkeep. "That sandwich is four bucks!" "Idiot!" barks the bear. "I'm a panda! Look it up!" The bartender looks up panda in the dictionary: "Large furry marsupial of the Asian continent. Eats shoots and leaves." Contributed by Gord Maric






	This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, "...On the road again..." The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!" Contributed by Jeff Forsha


	This guy found a lamp and he rubbed it and a genie pops out The genie said he would grant him one wish & one wish only. The guy goes "Well, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying. Build a bridge from my house to Hawaii." The genie says "Well I don't know if I can do that. The ocean is too deep for the pillars and it will be way too hard, so pick another one." The guy was like "Okay then. I have a problem understanding women...I want to understand women as my wish." The genie says, "Do you want the bridge one lane or two?" Contributed by Kimmer from Oregon











	These four guys were walking down the street: A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?" The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?" The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?" The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?" Contributed by Beth from Trinidad










	A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket. Contributed by Kimmer from Oregon

















	There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes." The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses." Contributed by Kimmer from Oregon








	There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..." until a blonde came up to her and said, "that looks like fun, can I try?" The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.." "Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street" So the blonde said "OK" and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..." Contributed by Leah Phillips









	A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.. we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" Contributed by Wiley Wilkins

	A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." <Groan> I promise the jokes do get better! Contributed by Kimmer in Oregon









	This is some excerpts from "The Book of Truly Stupid Business Quotes" by Jeff Parietti: "My only complaint about having a father in fashion is that every time I'm about to goto bed with a guy, I have to look at my dad's name all over his underwear." Marci Klein, daughter of fashion designer Calvin Klein "I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, & wear Reebok." Shaquille O'Neal, upon inking a $121 million contract with the L.A. Lakers. "I guess for a high-fashion restaurant like this, the prices are OK." Zhang Wei, Chinese student, at the opening of Beijing's first McDonald's. "In 1992, Germans used 170 million condoms, Britons used 160 million. The French used 100 million. We can catch up, but we must go faster." Phillippe Douste-Blazy, France's health minister "Other people are schmucks. I am not a schmuck." Donald Trump, explaining why he got out of the stock market before the crash of '87. "It was mostly the nerds, weirdos, & outcasts who built this industry. None of us had anything to do on a Friday night." Vern Raburn, who opened a computer store in L.A. back in 1976. "Being president is like running a cemetary. You've got alot of people under you and nobody's listening." President Clinton Contributed by Kimmer in Oregon











	So two men are sittting,drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State building when one turns to the other and says: " You know last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. 2nd Man: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen" Man:" No it's true let me prove it to you" So he gets up from the bar jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below,when he passes the10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the10th floor window. And he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a onetime fluke" Man: " No I'll prove it again" and again he jumps hurtling toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window" Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well what the hell,,it works ,I'll try it" So jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th ,10th, 9th, 8th ....floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman you're a real asshole when you're drunk." Contributed by Beth from Trinidad














	Quotes taken from actual [?] work performance evaluations: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom, and shows signs of starting to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been as a definitely won't-be." 5. "Works well - when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." AND EVERYONE THINKS THIS LAST ONE IS THE BEST.... 11. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of it's idiot." Contributed by Joseph Brierre


















	One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jamestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years!!" Contributed by Leah Phillips














	I 'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can'tfind the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. What's a guy to do? Contributed by Pam Schindler

	A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks. "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink." Contributed by Joe Morales













	A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21. The voice says, "Damn." Contributed by Beth in Trinidad

















	A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!" Contributed by Jean Brierre






















	A GIFT FOR HIS SWEETHEART A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. He went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here's the note the young man sent to his sweetheart. Darling, I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but your sister wears the short ones that are easier to remove. I decided to get the same style for you. Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I let the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don't shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me when we go out on Friday night. All my love, Hollingsworth PS. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. Contributed by Granny













	THE BUTLER DID IT A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully. "Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied. Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired." Contributed by Kim from Oregon














	Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people. -- The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job. -- The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!" The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?" -- The golf pro trying to teach the young miss the proper stance and swing, had somehow gotten his zipper tangled in the back of her shorts. After many unsuccessful attempts to free it, the embarrassed couple lock-stepped to the clubhouse for assistance. A German Shepherd laying on the lawn jumped up, got the garden hose and turned it on them. Contributed by Kimmer in Oregon


	Next Page Previous Page Home Page