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Funny Stuff |
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Jokes and stuff (latest first & last) |
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A dinner speaker
was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat
down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten
his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my
teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He
reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try
these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he
said. The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."
The speaker tried them and responded,
"Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He
then said, "I have one more pair. Try them." The speaker said,
"They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his
speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank
the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to
my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good
dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a
dentist. I'm an undertaker."
Contributed by Shannon
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A man is in bed
with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and
looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this
time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer
that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed,
and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the
door. It didn't take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the
stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past
three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the
door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his
wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that
wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring
rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had
to knock on that man's house to get us
started again? What would have happened
if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says
the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the
wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian
thing to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets
dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the
door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a
push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the
stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over
here, on your swing."
Contributed by ChibiSelena
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Things have REALLY gotten
out of hand in America lately....
CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as
airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73
year old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six
inch knitting needles.
Apparently, authorities were worried that she might knit an Afghan.
Contributed by Roger
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The
Little Firefighter
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station, when he
notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the side, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The
boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and
a cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the
fire fighter says with admiration.
" Thanks mister," the boy says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the
wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says,
"I don't want to tell
you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around
the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're
probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Contributed
by John S
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Two
sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase
a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their
checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch
where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister,
"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to
drive out after me and haul it home." The
brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister
a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send
a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so
we can haul it home." The
telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to
send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and
says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The
telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she
ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup
truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send
her
the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's
blonde." "She'll read it very slow."
Contributed by Roger
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ALL LIES
A police officer pulls a guy over for
speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's
license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it
suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for
this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to
think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the
glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I
put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns
this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the
TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer
immediately called his captain. The car was quickly
surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle
the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the
owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open
your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in
it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the
glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening
your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in
it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it.
The officer who stopped you said you told him you
didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b.
told you I was speeding, too.
Contributed by Mr. JJ
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This is a story
about a small town in Poland in which the only cow stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a cow from Moscow
for 2,000 zloties, or one from Minsk for 1,000 zloties. Being poor, they
bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk
all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to
acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They
would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the
pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to
the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his
quest.
The people were very upset and decided
to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what
was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches
our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach
from the side and she just walks away to the other side.", they said.
The rabbi thought about this for a
minute. Then he asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk ?"
The people were dumbfounded. They had
never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
"You are truly a wise rabbi. How
did you know we got the cow from Minsk?", they asked.
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife
is from Minsk."
Contributed by Timmy
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Games to play
when you're older....
1. Sag, you're it.
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red rover, red rover, the nurse says bend over.
6. Doc, doc, goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
Contributed by Roger
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The Difference
Between Republicans and Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were
walking down the street when they came to a homeless
person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and
told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars
out of his pocket and gave it to the
homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed,
and when they came to another homeless person, he
decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him
directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's
pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
It took me years to figure out the
real difference between Democrats and Republicans
and this little story tells it all.
Contributed by Roger
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A guy named Bob
receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately,
when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in
the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the
field.
About halfway through the first quarter,
Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard
line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium
and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks
the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting
here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great
seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This
is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the
SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually,
the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she
passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at
since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad,"
says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A
relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replies,
"they're all at the funeral."
Contributed by Roger
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A Post Office worker at the
main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly handwritten envelope
addressed to God.
He opens it and discovers it is from an
elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She
will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive
some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection
amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96
dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker
recognizes the same hand writing on another envelope. He opens it and
reads:
"Dear God, Thank you for the 100
dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise.
"P.S. It was four dollars short but
that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
Contributed by Pirate John
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WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE
OFFICER
1. I can't reach my
license unless you hold my beer
2. Sorry Officer,
I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you
the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey,
you must have been going at least 125 mph to catch me. Good job.
5. Are you Andy or
Barney?
6. I thought you
had to be in good shape to be a police officer.
7. You're not
going to check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your
salary!
9. Do you know
why you pulled me over? OK, just so one of us do.
10. Gee officer!
That's great. The last officer gave me a warning too.
11. I was trying to
keep up with the traffic. Yes I know there are no other cars
around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the officer
says "Gee son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with, " Gee officer your eyes
look glazed have you been eating doughnuts?"
Contributed by John from NC
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Rodney sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad
news first or the terrible news?" asked the lawyer.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I
can't
wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."
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A
bus on a busy street in New York City strikes a man. He is lying near
death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A
priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks
the crowd - "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then
out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of
age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm
not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St.
Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening
to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The
policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man
lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
“B-4.
I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."
Contributed
by RCurry
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A
young lawyer was driving his new Lexus when he saw two men eating grass by
the road side. He stopped and
got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked
one man.
"We
don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
"Oh,
come along with me then.", said the lawyer.
"But
sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring
them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But
sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man said.
"Bring
them as well!", said the lawyer.
He
called his wife and asked her to come over and take the second man's
family. They all climbed into the cars. Once underway, one of the
poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us
with you."
The
lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet
tall!"
Contributed
by Roger
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An 80 year old couple were
having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor
to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they
arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems
they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the
doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start
writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The
couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up
from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He
replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him,
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember
it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says,
"Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better
write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I
can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries,"
She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you
will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't
need to write it down, I can remember it." He then fumes into the
kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her
a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says,
"You forgot my toast."
Contributed by Timmy
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Bill and Hillary were taking stroll outside the
White House gates one morning and came upon a little boy trying to give
away a litter of puppies. When Hillary remarked about how cute they were,
the little boy said,"Yes, ma'am, they are. They're democrats."
Hillary thought this was so sweet that she told the boy if he still had
one left by the weekend, she would be glad take one of them home. The boy
agreed and Bill and Hillary walked on. So comes the weekend and Bill and
Hillary are again strolling in front of the White House and notice the
little boy with the puppies. Hillary walks up and greets the young man,
who has two puppies left. She fawns over both of them and the boy remarks
this time, "Only two left ma'am, and they're both republicans."
Hillary quickly sneered and said," But the other day, you said they
were democrats." The boy replied, "Well, yes ma'am, but since
then, they've opened their eyes."
Contributed by RCurry
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TALK LIKE A FROG
A little boy turned to his grandpa
and said, "grandpa, talk like a frog." The
Grandpa replied "What?, I'm not going to talk
like a frog!" The little boy again asked, "come on, Grandpa
talk like a frog... PLEASE."
Grandpa again said "No! Go bother
your grandmother."
The little boy finally gave up and left.
A little while later the little
boy's sister came in and said "Grandpa will you
talk like a frog for me?"
Grandpa of course replied,
"NO!"
The little girl then said
"Please grandpa will you talk just like a
frog"?
Grandpa was very disturbed by now
and said, "what is it with you and your
brother, why in the world do you want me to talk
like a frog?"
The little girl looked at her
grandpa and said "Well last night daddy told us
that when you croak we are going to go to Disney
World."
Contributed by PenguinSLC
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A
blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a
blonde joke?" In a
hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,
you should know something. Our bartender is blonde
and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200-pound black belt
veteran of the Special Forces. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2",
weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5",
pushing 300 pounds and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think
about it, mister. You still wanna
tell that joke?"
The
blind guy thinks for a moment and replies,
"Nah,
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Contributed by Tim Baird
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Two men
were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the
cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one
of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death
-- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at
night?"
"Those idiots!" the old
man grumbled. "They spelled my name wrong!"
Contributed by Shannon
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Late one night, a mugger
wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of
a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your
money",
he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You
can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger,
"give me MY money."
Contributed by Tim Baird
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A bear walks into a bar in
Billings, Montana, and sits down. He bangs on the
bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that
he be served a beer.
The bartender again tells him, "We don't
serve beer to bears in bars in Billings. "
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't
serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end
of the bar."
The bartender, once again says, "Sorry, we don't
serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the
bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back
to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we definitely don't
serve beer in bars in Billings to bears that are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "Yes, you are, that was
a barbitchyouate."
Contributed by Granny
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The man told his doctor that he
wasn't able to do all the things around the house
that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now,
Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong
with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied,
"you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the
medical term so I can tell my wife."
Contributed by PenguinSLC
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Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks
French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it is all organized
by the Swiss.
Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics
French, the lovers Swiss, the police German, and it all organized by the
Italians
Contributed by Anat
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on
his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of
hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am
going to
set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the
better job."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They
moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They
sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known
job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly
flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course,
the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and
screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted
their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming
"It's gone!
It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus
quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he
do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus
saves."
Contributed by Kelly in MN
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Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is
In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women
without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss"
makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou
suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb
Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to
rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause
the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the
influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards
Contributed by Tim Baird
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a
rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the
morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks,
and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags
himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is
man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the
man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a
push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the
man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke
down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the
baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started
again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help
and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out
"Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are
you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
Contributed by Jorge Flores
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"He's great on the court," a
sportswriter noted of a college basketball
player during an interview with the coach. "How are his
grades?"
"He makes straight A's," replied the coach, adding after a
short pause,
"But his B's are a little crooked."
Contributed by PenguinSLC
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There are many stories related to the sinking
of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent
movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the
great ship after New York City.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So
much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Contributed by Sherry S from Texas |
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The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony
beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of
the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in
the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their
little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought
she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I
can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the
week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
Contributed by Andy D. |
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two
of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the
third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on
her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'
Contributed by Sandy |
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A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he
watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the
fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of
his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded
in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so
that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has
always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet.
It's HIS turn with the teeth."
Contributed by Pirate John |
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande
from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his
capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him,
put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell
me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a
bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree
in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot
me.'"Contributed by ADorsi |
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Ted Kennedy approached President Clinton after hearing his
recent address to the nation and said, "Mr. President, I just want you to know that
if there's anything I can do to help, anything at all, just ask."
Clinton replied, "Could you drive Monica home?"Contributed by Anthony J
Irvin Sr. |
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An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children,
grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching
finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the
doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.
Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven.
I smell your grandmother's strudel."
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one.
Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of
his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request.
After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the
old man plaintively queries?
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral." Contributed
by Andy D |
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A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their
honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mom,"
she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But
Mom, as soon as we returned, he began using really horrible language, stuff I'd never
heard before, really terrible 4-letter words, you've got to come get me and take me home.
"But honey," the mother asked, "what kind of 4-letter words?" Sobbing,
the bride said, "words like dust, wash, iron and cook." Contributed by
Jean Brierre |
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A man sees an extraordinarily lenghty funeral procession
going down the road, blocking traffic for miles and miles. Leading the procession are two
hearses back to back , two flower cars behind them and 7 limousines behind them.Further
down the road he sees about 200 men walking in pairs following the funeral vehicles. The
line of mourners seems endless, and the man's curiosity causes him to approach the first
limousine.
"This is an enormous funeral. who died?" He asks.
The gentleman dressed in black answers, "My wife is in the first hearse. She was
attacked and visciously bitten to death by my pet dog."
"Well, then, who is in the second hearse?" The man asks. "Oh, that's my
mother-in-law; she was also attacked and visciously bitten to death by my pet dog".
"How terrible it must have been for you, poor fellow." the man says. "This
may sound terribly morbid, but could I possibly borrow your dog for a day? I will pay
handsomely for the favor!"
The grieving husband answers, "It's ok by me, but you'll have to wait your turn at
the end of that line behind us!"Contributed by MOMSHMOO |
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A man on his way home from the Pentagon came to a dead halt
in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual.
Nothing's even moving!"
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls
down his window and asks, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies "The President just found out he was impeached and he's all
depressed. He stopped his motorcycle in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to
douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire.
He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers.
I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred
gallons"Contributed by TAT2DLADY |
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THE HAIRCUT Womans
version:
Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut, it's soooo cute!
Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't
think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman1: Oh my gosh, no! It's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I
think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable! And you could easily get one of
those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except
that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention
away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.
Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms see how short they are? If I had
your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man1: Haircut?
Man2: Yep |
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Mom's helpers A minister was asked to
dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he
sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen
in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers
over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and startedeating. It was
really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap!
Here Water!"
Contributed by PenguinSLC |
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