Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

--George Carlin

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

--Ellen DeGeneris

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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

--Rita Rudner

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The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

--Jackie Gleason

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I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

--Jay Leno

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I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

--Dave Edison

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Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

--Billiam Coronel

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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

--Oscar Wilde

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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

--Dave Barry

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Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

--A. Whitney Brown

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My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

--Paula Poundstone

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I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That maybe. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

--Jeff Stilson

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I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

--Lily Tomlin

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Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

--Rita Rudner

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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

--Jerry Seinfeld

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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.

--Lynda Montgomery

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Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

--Lily Tomlin

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When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

--Robin Williams

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Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

--Jerry Seinfeld

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I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'