TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS-REVISED

I was planning on bringing you all the gifts from The Twelve Days of Christmas, but we are having a little problem in that area:

THE TWELVE FIDDLERS FIDDLING have all come down with Venereal Disease from fiddling around with THE TEN LADIES DANCING. (and if those are "ladies", then I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury. Those klutzy old broads can't walk and chew gum at the same time, so we can't exactly call what they are doing dancing, can we?)

THE ELEVEN LORDS A'LEAPING have been leaping on THE EIGHT MAIDS A MILKING, and have left them badly sprung if not out of commission for the entire season.

THE NINE PIPERS PLAYING have really been "playing", and have been arrested on a bestiality rap for getting a little too intimate with the cows that THE EIGHT MAIDS A 'MILKING were milking.

THE SIX GEESE A LAYING, FOUR CALLING BIRDS, THREE FRENCH HENS, TWO TURTLE DOVES, and THE PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE, have all become so nervous with all the activity that they have developed diarrhea, and are shitting their brains out. My living room is a vast river of shit!

To top it off, Mrs. Claus hit menopause doing about 200 miles an hour and started chumming around with a rather masculine girl friend who rides a Harley, wears leather, chains, and is named "Killer." Come to think of it, I haven't seen either of them for a few days now

Eight of my reindeer are in heat!

The elves have all joined "Gay Liberation"

The Dumb-Ass Polocks have scheduled CHRISTMAS in Poland for the 5th of February.

Saddam Haussein is asking for rockets in his stocking because he says they want to entertain the Israelis for the 4th of July

So, in spite of all my troubles up here at the North Pole, I want you have a MERRY CHRISTMAS.

May your season be Merry and may your new year be Happy, and may have all the time in which to enjoy it.

Santa and his helpers

Dyslexic Christian sells soul to Santa...News at 11

Contributed by Harold Bingham, Ogden, Utah

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